Let’s talk about friends…

Something about mother’s intuition, when she warns you about a bad friend before you see it…. (much to think about). Personally the end of one of my best friendships felt like I lost a part of myself. I found myself choked up a lot of the time because, I had moments to share but nobody I trusted enough to share them with anymore. All my hopes of future adventures and fun memories we’re destroyed. I’m incredibly loyal and trust my close friends until the wheels fall off, and when the red flags start waving I would sweep them under the rug. Long story short at the end of it I felt absolutely disgusted with myself, for allowing such emotional violation and betrayal. I had lost a soul mate and my heart was truly broken at that moment.

This season 4 of Insecure, Issa Rae tapped into the untold experience of the end of “best” friendships. We are so used to seeing the breakup of romantic relationships in media, that no one really talks about the hurt and betrayal felt from the loss of deep friendships. Where’s the magazine on how to deal with the break up with your best friend? Insecure explored the topic well, thus creating discourse and debates online, where a lot of women told their stories in brief. Others including myself relieved the trauma we thought we had suppressed from our personal experiences. The Girlfriends series has recently been added to Netflix US and these similar conversations have been resurfacing. Thus birthing the meme Toni and Joan ran so Molly and Issa could walk.

Easily put friendships can be formed when you realise you have similar interests, likes even dislikes. It develops into wanting to share your experiences, secrets, wins and wishes with each other. You then feel the need to make time for one another, be there for and lift each other up – just as intimate as a romantic relationship, bar physical intimacy.

For example in the first episode of Insecure season 4, ‘Self care Sunday’ is a recurring concept that keeps being pushed aside. It really is comparable to date night – two people come together to talk and spend time together doing something they both enjoy. Throughout the season we see Issa and Molly constantly postponing the time they’re supposed to spend together for other things going on – the lack of communication leads them both to assume that they’re creating excuses to blow each other off…

Two people are no longer in a friendship, or it becomes one sided when one person crosses the line into physical intimacy (usually for men) or the things that foster closeness and connection is broken, disrespected and no longer acknowledged. It often takes time for people to realise this is how the ending begins.

When a friendship finally ends depending on what’s going on in your life, it’s possible that it’s hard to move past it, just like a romantic relationship because of the emotional connection and memories. However the same way we treat breakups is the same way we should treat our bff breakups. Tiana Major9 perfectly asked “how are we going to look for different results in the same space”. Often time bff friendships can end abruptly but time passing is not an apology. Taking time apart however is necessary for growth, and the finding of oneself. Just how you would after a romantic breakup — you may take that time to find your way back or ultimately cut eachother off.

It seems the older you get, your closer friendships are the more likely to end. Naturally two people can grow apart, equally the nature of some friendships can take 10 years to be revealed. Finally seeing and accepting who a friend truly is will also reveal how a person sees you for who ‘they’ think you are, rather than who you actually are, whether you check them in the 1 year of friendship or in 10 years. I quote Pharrell “quit talking numbers” because it doesn’t make sense to base the value of friendship of the amount of years you’ve known someone.

I always find that when someone calls you out to say “I tolerated [tedacted] for X amount of times for X amount of years” — it often times means they’ve held reserved feelings about you (for those X amount of years), and have been waiting for you to crumble so they can leave you in the mud. Most importantly the persons true intentions are out in the open and just maybe they were never really your friend. In my opinion a friend shouldn’t hinder your growth by not checking you and those that don’t are the scariest kind of people. They will sell you out for some dust.

Often people will find their shorter friendships have been more fulfilling and supporting than their older friendships — something about evolving and achieving milestones at different times can really shake things up in someone elses life. If you’re not able to hold yourself accountable about why you aren’t progressing in life how you desired, a close friend succeeding can sometimes lead to jealously (most won’t admit to it). This also happens in romantic relationships, causing friction when you don’t confront yourself.

The true basis of any relationship, is good communication which Rina Sawayama touches on in her song ‘Bad Friend’. When communication turns sour, as humans we tend to let things go downhill from there. It’s important to remember that we all meet certain people for a reason, whether it be for a season or for life. But if it is for a season you have to grieve the friendships that you had, because if you’re like me, constantly holding that ideal friendship as a ruler to every interaction and new ones will always fall short.

UAL BA Journalism Grad: carlaaureliem@gmail.com

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