December 12, 2018

Two weeks ago I listened to Janelle Monae’s album Dirty Computer out of curiosity. In my mind it’s good enough for me to be aware of certain artists without actually taking time to listen to their entire discography but I digress, I stumbled upon the ‘I like that’ video. Janelle describes a woman (herself) of multi dimensions. To my surprise I can relate — I am that song.

My tag or chosen brand theme thus far — I’ve discovered my style is cozy sexy and very cool. I have been told i’m cool and noticed i’m not far from the sexy department (which I embraced this year), but as far as mind and my unbalanced positive and bad experiences I’ve remained cozy even when I shouldn’t have. In relation to the song Janelle says “a little crazy little sexy little cool” and I promise it’s a coincidence.

The point of this blog was to vent about 2018 and how it may possibly be, the most humbling year i’ve experienced in my 21 years of life since high school.

This year i’ve managed to take so many L’s, that were obvious lessons i’ve learned from now that I look back. But the L’s weren’t necessarily losses. They were mistakes I could have prevented long ago, and simply that it was an indication for me to pussy up, change and remove some of things wrong in my life. The life I want to build for myself is creative and is surrounded with positive people. I don’t think I’ve given myself more than enough time to reflect on what it is I truly want. More importantly to give less of what others want to take from me.

I told myself 2019 was going to be about me 100%. I called it my “fuck it year”. People tell me that I’m too comfortable and I could live a little. What people don’t know is the secret to happiness is, being at home comfortable, cozied up with a cuppa. In my eyes that is my ‘living it up’ — if only they knew…

Anyways, I’m here to complain about this year before I conclude and tell y’all my goals.

This year i’ve lost friends and i’ve gained old ones (who hasn’t). But personally this hit home because it opened my eyes to perception and how people can, choose how they want to perceive things, whatever your intentions. I was exposed to the fact that I make poor decisions because i’m afraid of letting go of the old. (Funny enough I’m great at that when it comes to romantic/sexual relationships but this proved to be hard). I broke up with my bestfriend of 10 years. I also learnt that years is just time and time is just a concept. No amount of time can truly determine how well you know someone, if they don’t choose to show you all their other sides (my bestfriend was also a gemini).

I healed from this quite quickly as the friendship had expired years before, but I wasn’t ready to allow myself to be comfortable with what wasn’t familiar — Nevertheless my other friendships have flourished and i’m ok. Friendship is a tricky one to talk about — because as much as you need help; (because as humans its kinda impossible to survive completely alone) you don’t need people that contribute a nothingness presence also.

Further into the year my career and lifestyle dreams crashed and burned with this friendship — silly of me to place all my eggs into one basket. Now that my living situation will remain in the same situation it has been in, for the past 20 years, I’m more than ever grateful. Actually I’m proud I didn’t make a stupid decision of moving to London in the midst of my graduation — whilst jobless and in-between, the unsure and shaky friendships era. (Mama I love you — she holds it down everytime). Now that we’re in December 8 months away from all my stupid ideas, I am thankful everything fell through and I paused — since collapsing I’ve been able to plan my flowering for the next coming years.

Retail sucks. I knewt this from past jobs but I just want to remind myself that everything needs to change.

Summer was the highlight of this year because sunshine and that meant graduation… (another flop as I didn’t attend my actual ceremony but (I GRADUATED and my father is proud, he can tell the whole village in Paris. Summertime had a similar tune to “when they try to come for me, I keep on flourishing” and I enjoyed myself.

Men. As much as I don’t want to say men are trash (i already said it, so you get the gist tho). The situationships came and went. But it’s safe to say dating isn’t as scary as I thought it would be. Honest feedback though, I hate getting in the game, honestly I do — flirting is an art and dating is a sport. I hate sports.

The end of the year is always the most dramatic but I never believed I would experience any kind of drama until I did. October to this day has been hell sent — the devil has been working overtime and honestly I can’t even. I lost me keys, lost me phone and beyond my comprehension and beliefs a parent. It may seem so harsh for me to form this sentence like this but I still haven’t come to terms with any of this. I don’t think anyone understands how fucking annoying it is, to have to wait for someone to get the door for you whilst you stand outside in the cold, battery dead… I. I always heard about people not making it to the new year around this time (I will speak on the death of my step dad in another post) — but death really does snatch people that our in your proximity and if not yourself (myself). My mom warns me extra hard to be safe around this time but i’ve only taken it seriously since this tragic loss. Stay safe kids. Speak to people. Alone time is only fun when you’re happy.

To conclude my rant of failures this year. I want to end it with you may think you know but you don’t know nun yet. I’m happy that i’ve almost figured myself out — I’m not particularly worried that I’m not where I want to be right this minute — but I know what I need to do to get there, which is good enough — cause this puzzle of life don’t come with instructions.

UAL BA Journalism Grad: carlaaureliem@gmail.com

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